Too Much Love Will Kill You
by Apollonia
Summary: Songfic. Angel considers his life, loves and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.


DISCLAIMER: I don't own Angel, I don't own Buffy. I don't own the song, I don't own much, actually.  
  
TIMELINE: Sometime in the future  
  
SPOILERS: None to speak of.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: OK, the song is off the final Queen album. Love Freddie's voice. It's a great song. And since I've finally decided to post all my old stuff on FF.net, here's this one for you.  
  
FEEDBACK: I ache, I pine, I perish. Please!!  
  
Too Much Love Will Kill You  
  
***  
  
I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be Too many bitter tears are raining down on me I'm far away from home And I've been facing this alone For much too long I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me About growing up and what a struggle it would be In my tangled state of mind I've been looking back to find Where I went wrong  
  
Where did he go wrong? Dear God, where to start? Was it the drunken Irishman or was it the rampaging demon? Was it the Angel who hurt his friends? Was it just him? Suddenly, a feeling of utter hopelessness overtook him. He just wanted to be back home in Galway. He wanted to be a child again, when his father was his hero and his mother was the unruffled matriarch who could do anything. He wanted to be back home when he was his sister Kathleen's hero, whom she adored and looked up to. He wanted to be back home before Darla, before Buffy. When the only woman he loved was his mother.  
  
*** "Ma?" The seven year old's voice cut through the night.  
  
"Yes Liam?" "I love you." He said sweetly. She smiled. "I love you too, Angel. Sweet dreams." She said softly, tucking him in. She got up and blew out the candle, leaving the boy to sleep. ***  
  
Yes, Angel wanted to be back then, when life was truly simple. As the song cut through the air, breaking the silence, he tried to think when it did actually go wrong.  
  
*** "Good morning, Miss Maura." The sixteen year old boy, already tall and handsome, slouched against the wall. The girl, herself seventeen with a mane of red hair, merely smiled and nodded. While she was walking with her mother, to church no less, there would be no conversing with Liam. "Hello Liam." The voice said softly. The sun was now almost down, and Liam was sat beneath a tree by the river. "Why, Maura, sure you're looking fine this evening." "So are you." She said. She sat down beside him and without ceremony, began unbuttoning his shirt. ***  
  
Angel knew when it all went wrong. When he discovered love. Love of any kind, real or false, physical or not, right or wrong. Love was Angel's Achilles heel. It was the unmaking of him from the moment he discovered what it was. It was the only thing that could make Angel forget himself, or the rest of the world. It was the unmaking of him on more than one occasion. Angel had a bigger heart than many, even long after it ceased beating. He didn't give it away easily, but when he did, he gave it entirely.  
  
*** "In 243 years I've loved exactly one person." Angel said.  
  
"Oh. It is me, right?" Buffy asked him. He smiled. ***  
  
Buffy. It always came back to Buffy, and Angel knew it always would. For all his ability to love and willingness to do so, she was the only girl who ever captured his entire heart. And she did it so easily. All it took was a barbed remark or two, and he was hers.  
  
*** "Is there a problem here ma'am?" He asked from his position on the floor.  
  
"Yeah there's a problem. Why are you following me?" "I know what you're thinking. Don't worry, I don't bite." He smiled. ***  
  
She was his reason. She was why he fought every night without fail. She was why he didn't just shut himself up in his room. She was why he bothered with his charade of living. When he was with her, he felt as human as he had before Darla. Maybe even more so. When he was with Buffy, he felt truly alive.  
  
Too much love will kill you If you can't make up your mind Torn between the lover And the love you leave behind You're headed for disaster 'cos you never read the signs Too much love will kill you Every time  
  
But he wasn't with Buffy. Not any more. It was his fault, he knew. It was because he loved her, that was his excuse. Sometimes, he even believed it. It was Angel's love that brought the demon back, it was Angel's all- consuming love that drove Angelus to go after Buffy and her friends. It was Angel's love that got him sent to Hell. Which, he accepted. He knew he deserved even worse that Hell. He wondered, was there worse than Hell? Yes. Of course there was. Not being able to be with Buffy was worse than anything the Devil had come up with in Hell. And Satan was an inventive guy.  
  
I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be And it seems like there's no way out of this for me I used to bring you sunshine Now all I ever do is bring you down How would it be if you were standing in my shoes Can't you see that it's impossible to choose No there's no making sense of it Every way I go I'm bound to lose  
  
He wondered if he and Buffy would ever get their happy ever after ending. He knew he didn't deserve it, but Buffy did. Then, a horrific thought occurred to him. What if he wasn't Buffy's happy ever after? What if some other man was the key to Buffy's happiness? Wasn't that why he left, to allow her the opportunity to find this other man? Suddenly, it struck Angel. He really was an utterly, utterly stupid man. Here he was moping that some other guy would take his place, yet he had given that place up. Freely, willingly. He was utterly stupid. He laughed, once, hollowly. That was the stupidest thing he'd ever done. And that included trying to seduce the finely dressed woman in the alley that night.  
  
*** "I've never been anywhere myself." Liam slurred slightly. "I can show you." Darla purred. "Could you now?" He smiled. He liked this woman. ***  
  
He could excuse his stupidity in the alley by pointing out that without being made, he would never have met Buffy. But walking away from Buffy? He should have known better.  
  
Too much love will kill you Just as sure as none at all It'll drain the power that's in you Make you plead and scream and crawl And the pain will make you crazy You're the victim of your crime Too much love will kill you Every time  
  
Angel wrote a note to Cordelia, so she'd know what had happened. He then grabbed his coat and ran out to his car.  
  
*** "Liam?" A pretty voice called. "I'm in here." He whispered. A blond girl came into the barn. Without warning, he grabbed her around the waist and began trailing kisses along her neck. "Liam! I can't! My father...."  
  
"Won't know anything about this." "But, I can't..."  
  
"Sure you can."  
  
"No." She said firmly. "I'm marrying John Coughlan, you know that."  
  
"So, you're not married yet, are you?"  
  
"No, but you know what Father O'Brien said. Or you would if you attended mass occasionally."  
  
"What did he say?" Liam pulled her down onto the hay.  
  
"He said a girl must be virtuous. He said that..."  
  
"I can guess the rest. He's an old fool. What does he know?"  
  
"A lot more than some young gobshite like you, Liam."  
  
"Ah now, Deirdre, that hurts." "I don't care. You know I adore you Liam..."  
  
"I adore you too. What are we arguing about, then?"  
  
"I'm marrying John Coughlan and that's the end of that." She said firmly, standing up. Then, she walked away, without so much as a look back at him. ***  
  
Deirdre Fitzpatrick had been the first- and only- girl to reject Liam's advances. Thanks to Liam, there were a sight fewer virtuous girls in Galway than there should have been. Years later, as Angelus, he read Don Juan. He understood it better than many. But Deirdre had stuck in his mind. He had truly cared about her, but she wasn't his. None of those girls had been his. The only girl who had been, he had rejected. Well, now, he hoped to rectify that. The words of the song echoed in his mind. Too much love might well kill him, but he'd die just as surely without it. This way, he might go down happy. But not too happy, he reminded himself. From now, Angel was going to turn his greatest weakness into his greatest strength. He would protect Buffy with all his heart and strength and never let her go. Unless she wanted him to. He hoped and even prayed she wouldn't. But just like he released Deirdre, he would release Buffy, if it was what she wanted.  
  
Too much love will kill you It'll make your life a lie Yes, too much love will kill you And you won't understand why You'd give your life, you'd sell your soul But here it comes again Too much love will kill you In the end... In the end.  
  
Angel sped down the freeway towards Sunnydale, hoping that Buffy would be in when he arrived. He was going to make everything good and fine if it killed him. Which, it could well do. Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, Cordelia Chase entered a hotel and found a note which simply said: Cordelia- Thanks for the CD.  
  
THE END 


End file.
